dani.

whatever makes you happy.
whatever you want.

ugh im so drained this week.
schools almost over.
im in a panic.

fall into me.
paint is pretty much all my hands touch.
skin is our bond.
and documents of actions have become secrets.

to those who keep asking me, heres my response to the "female thing":
so the more i thought about it...i realized that my initial thoughts were wrong.
HOWEVER i felt as if i was right as male at the time certin things kept me from being able to transition 100% such as being called a father. thats pretty much what drew the line for me.
but i still consider myself andro/and very strongly genderqueer more then anything else.
i still use male pronouns, hopefully this does not make you uncomfortable or confused.
when it comes down to it i want to be 100% secure with myself and if this is how i am so be it, i have no one to impress.

merci beaucoup,
dani.

so sitting around all day has lead me to come to some conclusions.

a.im gender neutral
b.sometimes you need a break from reality
c.my drug use has become pratically non existant since  new years, and i LIKE it that way
d.i realllly want that job laura talked to me about
e.im not ready for any commitment for anything or anyone as much as i desire one
f.im sick of labeling myself as lesbian, i am QUEER
.

its weird.
relief comes in stages.
but always fixes its way through the cracks..when its needed.

i am

so utterly confused.
it hurts.
god.

stories are simply emotions that are never correctly told.
emotions are feelings that have been kept secret.
and secrets are simply fantasies that can never happen.
//lets become lovers of truth and hope//
 //follow me into your eyes//
    //and out your heart.//

pull me off the shelf,
like that book that you always want to read.

open my pages,
like the story that needs to be told.

crease the page,
like you do to the chapter you don't want to end.

cry,
like you do at the end of the story that has changed your life.

press the cover down,
like you do hoping to save the memories the book has left with you.

 i keep getting shit at school..
little whispers and words about me.
i dont want to start shit..so i let it slide.
i hate it.
i hate fucking school.

sometimes i get confused.
somedays i want all the girl parts of me chopped off.
sometimes i wish i had no gender and no genatalia.
other days i look in the mirror and am fine.
sometimes i walk into a room and feel split into a million tiny pieces.
each piece is a part of me i cant explain, and have to shelter.
some days i wish i was on T.
other days i wish i wasent born a girl at all.
everyday i look in the mirror and hate my boobs.
i hate them so much.
but i wonder if i'll miss them if i wake up without them.

 

  A serious look of tension slid across his face. "This will not be comfortable you
know, " he said. Scared and anxious i let him place the flesh colored band under my armpit
and slowly move across my chest. As he walked around me in a circle slowly un-raveling the
 ace bandage I could understand what he meant. Each layer became more oainful as if every
 piece of my tissure was bruised. As he finished and tucked the end of the bandage in I saw
his careful expression. Horror and excitemnt filled the tiny room as I looked into the mirror. I
 no longer had a chest, I was flat. I had come one step closer to my goal, to pass as a boi. I
slipped on my shirt and we left the house- no one could tell if I was a boy or girl. I knew this
 would be a long proccess but I was ready and nolonger awaiting it. Soon after I had
become comfortable with binding I decided it was time to get a haircut. A more masculine
haircut. Yet again Isaac and I went into this change strong. We had recently broken up, I
was his ex femme, and he was my ex butch. When i was "with" him I was not allowed to be
 butch of lok butch because it made him very un comfotable. We knew that the time had
come to change that, so he pulled out his eletric buzzer and placed it on my head. The fast
 and shakey vibrations made me anxious and scared, but I knew I was ready. I no longer
wanted to be seen as a girl, I wanted the true me to appear. His gentle smile reflected in my
 dirty mirror and I glanced. "Oh shit", i thought my paretns are going to kill me. But i knew
either way I had done the right thing. Soon after I looked masculine I found myself using the
pronouns I seceretly desired. I had been out as genderqueer, however no i was going more
 towards the trans end of the specturm. I was going by he/him/his and I could not believe it.
 Each time I heard a "sir" it felt like I had won the lottery. I was ontop of the world and
nothing could bring me down-except school. School had started and I was bound and
looked just as masculine as I previously had all summer, but everyone kenw me as
"Danielle." I was Dani, not Danielle- she'her'her's were used and I hated every second of it.
 Stuck in the middle there was nothing I could do, most of the school knew i was a girl so I
knew I could not pass. Passing at school became very awkuard and hurt. I was stuck, I am
 stuck as this person who I don't want to be seen as. Every morning I wake up, instead of
putting on my binder I must put on a bra. INstead of being seen as the boi I am, I am seen
as a butch lesbian. I know techonly thats what I am , but passing feels right, having a flat
chest feels right. Would I want to have bottom surgery-NO! I am genderqueer and I just
wish people knew, and could accept it. Gender neutral and open, a way, the way gender
should be.